


Best ASSets  Unite!

by wynniwirt



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Betting, Bisexual Aaron Hotchner, Bisexual Spencer Reid, Established Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Established Relationship, F/F, How Do I Tag, I don’t even know, I still respect will but I also love jemily, I wrote this cause sometimes I think I’m hilarious, Kidnapping, Lesbian Emily Prentiss, M/M, Multi, Spencer is a bit dumb when drunk, The BAU Team - Freeform, and Henry so he’s staying, bad innuendos, but the team doesn’t know., i might add more characters, i think I’ll tag as I go, my friend said I should and I trust her, reid is kidnapped but is so done with it, they suspect, well some dont
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:28:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28466070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wynniwirt/pseuds/wynniwirt
Summary: Pretty Boy: that was shit but I accept and you may join my quest to the mountains in search of mountain goatsLesbian™: yessssAaron Hotchner: At least with Emily he won’t die getting there.Pretty Boy: I’m capableAaron Hotchner: Your athleticism says otherwise.Tech Goddess: lmaoooooooChocolate Thunder: rip he’s not wrong
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/William LaMontagne Jr., Minor Jason Gideon/David Rossi, Previous Jennifer “JJ” Jareau/William LaMontagne Jr.
Comments: 69
Kudos: 290





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first fic and my friend encouraged me to post it so I did! 
> 
> Garcia: Tech Goddess  
> Hotch: SSA Boss  
> JJ: Mom Friend  
> Morgan: Chocolate Thunder  
> Prentiss: Lesbian™  
> Reid: Pretty Boy  
> Rossi: Italian Uncle  
> This is multi chaptered but I don’t know how to make it not say complete sorry

Aaron Hotchner has created a group chat. Aaron Hotchner has named the chat BAU CASES

Aaron Hotchner added Penelope Garcia, Jennifer Jareau, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Spencer Reid, and David Rossi to the group chat

Aaron Hotchner: I have made the executive decision to add all of you into a group chat to make discussing and informing you of cases easier so I don’t have to individually call you. 

David Rossi: as your best friend 

Aaron Hotchner: You’re not my best friend

David Rossi: AS YOUR BEST FRIEND I am extremely hurt that I was added last. As if I was a simple afterthought

Aaron Hotchner: Dave I added people based on alphabetical order from my contact list. You’re gonna be added last.

David Rossi: still breaks my cold Italian heart 

Penelope Garcia: as much I luv my Italian uncle this definitely NOT gonna be used for just cases. and my name is way to formal wtf 

Penelope Garcia has changed to Tech Goddess 

Tech Goddess: much better if I do say so myself 

Aaron Hotchner: Please keep this case related.

Tech Goddess: no can do bossman. You guys are my lovely puppers and I’m gonna love you so hard and im gonna be so annoying becuz we dont see each other outside of work often

Derek Morgan: damn u rite Garcia these names are way to formal. Especially for a chat not about cases 

Aaron Hotchner: This is a chat for cases. How many times to I have to reiterate. 

Tech Goddess: I gotchu my lovely Adonis 

Tech Goddess has changed Derek Morgan to  
Chocolate Thunder 

Chocolate Thunder: sweet 

Tech Goddess : just like u

Tech Goddess: speaking of sweets where is my lovely genius? 

Spencer Reid: What the fuck is this

Tech Goddess: beauty 

Tech Goddess: also Im changing ur name 

Tech Goddess has changed Spencer Reid to Pretty Boy 

Pretty Boy: how does one change it back 

Tech Goddess: u have been blessed wat do u mean 

Jennifer Jareau: you guys if it’s for cases only we should really use it for cases only 

Emily Prentiss: ok mom

Aaron Hotchner: Thank you J.J. 

Emily Prentiss: but also this sounds fun so I’m gonna join 

Emily Prentiss has changed her name to Lesbian™

Lesbian™: ayyyyyy 

Tech Goddess: ayyyyyyy

Lesbian™: jj join it ll be fun 

Jennifer Jareau: …

Aaron Hotchner: Don’t

Jennifer Jareau: sorry boss if you cant beat them join em 

Jennifer Jareau has changed her name to Mom Friend 

Aaron Hotchner: My only ally.

Mom Friend: sorry not sorry 

Lesbian™: yasssss join the dark side Garcia made cookies 

Tech Goddess: u bet ur sweet asses I did 

Tech Goddess: but nun of u guys asses can beat my fav- aka chocolate thunder 

Pretty Boy: give him a bigger ego I dare you 

Chocolate Thunder: ya jealous 

Chocolate Thunder: pretty boy… it’s been 10 minutes I know you suck at typing but damn 

Tech Goddess: giv him s minute hes getting there 

Pretty Boy: sorry morgan some of us were too busy getting degrees to have to rely on technology and ego boosters 

Tech Goddess: oh shit 

Lesbian™: ok damb pop off I guess 

Chocolate Thunder: my feelings are shot thru the heart and ur to blame pretty boy 

Pretty Boy: sucks to suck I guess 

David Rossi: I come back to this 

Mom Friend: yep 

Tech Goddess: ahhhh shit I forgot to change ur name too

Tech Goddess has changed David Rossi to Italian Uncle 

Italian Uncle: you know what. I’m not even mad about this. You know why? It’ll anger Aaron 

Aaron Hotchner: And you wonder why you’re not my best friend. 

Italian Uncle: what other friends do you have 

Chocolate Thunder: he’s got you there 

Aaron Hotchner: I have other friends 

Italian Uncle: please enlighten the class 

Aaron Hotchner: I have Jessica.

Italian Uncle: who’s not an in law and therefore bound to you

Aaron Hotchner: ...

Italian Uncle: boom. therefore I am your best friend and you can not stop me from saying it 

Aaron Hotchner: I was gonna name a member of the team. 

Italian Uncle: yeah me 

Tech Goddess: that’s so sweet boss. which member 

Aaron Hotchner: Reid. He’s not annoying.

Italian Uncle: he’s a problem child. What does he have that I don’t 

Aaron Hotchner: He is great at not annoying me. He is also great with Jack. 

Lesbian™: rippppp rossi 

Italian Uncle: I’m great with Jack what do you mean 

Aaron Hotchner: He’s just better accept it Dave. 

Italian Uncle: no✨

Tech Goddess: boss really said he’s not playing around 

Pretty Boy: I don’t think I’m that good with Jack. 

Aaron Hotchner: If you continue that thought I will fire you. You’re great with Jack. He loves when you come over. 

Mom Friend: told you spence. The Reid effect is no more. Henry also loves you very much

Pretty Boy: if y’all say so 

Lesbian™: yall 

Chocolate Thunder: YALL 

Tech Goddess: yall 

Italian Uncle: yall 

Pretty Boy: jj please don’t 

Mom Friend:...

Mom Friend: yall 

Pretty Boy: you have betrayed my trust as my best friend and I am now taking applications for new ones. If you’re interested please dm me. Am patiently awaiting for new best friends. Benefits of being my best friend is that I can remember anything and will always be on time, can have intellectual discussions about anything, loves turtles, has decent hair, is awkward enough for the both of us, can do magic, and can cook. 

Chocolate Thunder: are those really benefits 

Tech Goddess: yes which is why he’s my new best friend just dm u 

Pretty Boy: clearly. I will get back to you in 3-5 business days whether or not you got accepted.

Aaron Hotchner: yall 

Pretty Boy: I am now quitting the bau. There is no hope for the future. I am going to quit and go off the grid. Probably to the mountains. I will live in the mountains and befriend mountain goats and I will learn to turn their milk into cheese so I will be fed and make profits somehow. Actually scratch that. I don’t need profits, I will have everything I need. Goats and my own goat milk and goat cheese, a Mountain View, my own cave, and technology free with no friends who will betray me. But you don’t know if I’ll go to the mountains. Maybe this is a ploy for my real plan to go off the grid. 

Tech Goddess: u guys think I’m dramatic 

Chocolate Thunder: there’s no way ud do that. 

Mom Friend: you would get to bored 

Pretty Boy: shut up. I will. Because you have betrayed me and betrayal runs deep but mountain caves run deeper 

Lesbian™: can I join 

Pretty Boy: no  
Lesbian™: but it’s literally a lesbian dream 

Pretty Boy: if you apologize 

Lesbian™: sorry for making fun of you but it was also kind of funny and I had to join 

Pretty Boy: that was shit but I accept and you may join my quest to the mountains in search of mountain goats 

Lesbian™: yessss

Aaron Hotchner: At least with Emily he won’t die getting there. 

Pretty Boy: I’m capable 

Aaron Hotchner: Your athleticism says otherwise. 

Tech Goddess: lmaooooooo 

Chocolate Thunder: rip he’s not wrong 

Pretty Boy: this is why I’m moving to the mountains

Tech Goddess has changed Aaron Hotchner to SSA Boss 

SSA Boss: I hate this family. Can I join you to the mountains? 

Pretty Boy: no✨


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SSA Boss:I have to still maintain an image and do work. Like the rest of you. They’re not paying you to huddle. 
> 
> Tech Goddess: :((((( 
> 
> Pretty Boy: you just didn’t want to be in the huddle 
> 
> SSA Boss: You got me there.
> 
> Lesbian™: boss using a semi meme is surreal 
> 
> Chocolate Thunder: new level of reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Garcia: Tech Goddess  
> Hotch: SSA Boss  
> JJ: Mom Friend  
> Morgan: Chocolate Thunder  
> Prentiss: Lesbian™  
> Reid: Pretty Boy  
> Rossi: Italian Uncle
> 
> Ahhhhh I didn’t expect this type of response thank you so much!!!

Tech Goddess has changed BAU CASES to Best ASSets Unite! 

Tech Goddess: again mega boring with the titles boss 

SSA Boss: Like I have said before, it was supposed to be for cases ONLY but you took over. 

Tech Goddess: huh oh yeah 

Lesbian™: do you ever think 

SSA Boss: Yes I do. 

Pretty Boy: oh definitely why 

Lesbian™: cuz I cant relate 

Lesbian™: brain go brrr when she sees pretty girl 

Chocolate Thunder: @Mom Friend come get your lesbian she’s being gay on main 

Mom Friend: what am I gonna do stop her? 

Mom Friend: and she right brain go brrr when she sees pretty girl. Love you Emily! <3 

Lesbian™: adkendj is this what love and affection is like? 

Lesbian™: becuz I hate it 

Mom Friend: <3 <3 <3!!!! :)))))) 

Lesbian™: fuck I changed my mind I love it I want this every day of my life <3 you too!!! Love you so much jj!!!!!

Lesbian™: how do people do this 

Lesbian™:  
my mind: blown.  
my heart: full  
my life: complete  
hotel: Trivago 

Chocolate Thunder: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Tech Goddess: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Pretty Boy: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Italian Uncle: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

SSA Boss: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯.

Lesbian™: damn even you boss?

SSA Boss: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯. 

Lesbian™: you know what that’s fair 

Tech Goddess: speaking of brrrs why the fuck is the office so fucking cold? I just wanted to have a lovely chat with my breathtaking Adonis but instead I am freezing 

Chocolate Thunder: if we go back to ur lair I can help warm you up baby girl 

Tech Goddess: my breath is taken away 

SSA Boss: I can ask around but I’m pretty sure the heater is broken, sorry Garcia.

Tech Goddess: I’m fine now that I have my hot chocolate . We’re snuggling in my lair with actual hot chocolate btw. Feel free to join 

Mom Friend: I’ll take you up on that offer 

Lesbian™: same 

Italian Uncle: I’ll join 

Tech Goddess: come my little penguins. That includes you to boss and my baby genius 

Pretty Boy: did you know that when penguins huddles, it is to prevent heat loss. But penguins don’t stay in one place. They rotate so that the outer penguins get a chance at being in the middle and that it allows it to disperse the heat loss. Inside a huddle, temperatures can reach up to 70 degrees Fahrenheit. Huddling is actually really important, because it allows it to conserve energy which is important because penguins don’t eat up to 115 days. Also huddled are highly dynamic and not that symmetrical because usually the coldest penguins finds the best spot and a huddle forms around them. Baby penguins usually stay in the middle though to protect them from the cold. 

Tech Goddess: thats where ur gonna be mister 

Pretty Boy: WHAT WHY 

Tech Goddess: cuz ur babey 

Pretty Boy: I am a full grown adult 

Chocolate Thunder: whos the youngest here and who’s still afraid of the dark 

Pretty Boy: you agreed we would never talk about it 

Chocolate Thunder: ehhhhhh 

Lesbian™: we never did but the dark? 

Pretty Boy: it’s a legit fear and I’m not afraid of the dark I’m afraid of what’s in it. You can’t see anything. It’s why we have eyes and why fire/light was invented. It’s so we can see. We wouldn’t have been given eyes or fire/light if we weren't meant to see. 

Tech Goddess: see? Babey 

Chocolate Thunder: just accept it pretty boy 

Pretty Boy: I will begrudgingly 

Chocolate Thunder: thats the spirit

Tech Goddess: thats the spririt! Jinx you owe my a soda 

Chocolate Thunder: will my love suffice? 

Tech Goddess: yes but I do want a soda 

Chocolate Thunder: fine be riite bck

Tech Goddess: yesss thx so much 

Tech Goddess: @everyone were huddling around our genius 

Pretty Boy: you guys are smothering me 

Mom Friend: get smothered 

Chocolate Thunder: ur getting hugged by the hottest people at Quantico 

Pretty Boy: id say no but you’re not wrong. My bisexual ass has to agree 

Pretty Boy: you guys are all surprisingly stunning 

Mom Friend: youre so sweet spencer 

Tech Goddess: of course I’m stunning. You’re facing a goddess

Chocolate Thunder: damn rite u are my wonderful goddess 

Tech Goddess: thank u thank u 

Italian Uncle: I love this huddle but I have to go and be productive. Aaron had been saying this for the past 10 minutes 

Pretty Boy: 8 minutes and 37 seconds 

Italian Uncle: whatever same thing 

SSA Boss: You guys please, we have to get back to work.

Tech Goddess: u didnt even join the hudddddddddle :((((( 

SSA Boss: I’m sorry but I had to do paperwork. 

Tech Goddess: but friendships and love over paperwork 

SSA Boss:I have to still maintain an image and do work. Like the rest of you. They’re not paying you to huddle. 

Tech Goddess: :((((( 

Pretty Boy: you just didn’t want to be in the huddle 

SSA Boss: You got me there.

Lesbian™: boss using a semi meme is surreal 

Chocolate Thunder: new level of reality 

——————————————————————————

Pretty Boy: heyyyyyyyyyy guysssss guess what happened? 

Lesbian™: what has happened at this fine nighty noon? Like seriously it’s midnight wtf 

Pretty Boy: guess whos in the hospital???? 

Pretty Boy: that’s right. this genius 

Lesbian™: wtf wff wtffffffff 

Mom Friend: Spence are you ok???? 

Tech Goddess: u can’t just spring this at us? Exscuse me???? Sirrrrrrr

Chocolate Thunder: where are you????? 

Pretty Boy: you guys I’m legit fine. Hotch is with meee and he’s looking after me 

SSA Bossman: I’m his emergency contact. But you guys don’t have to come. It’s late. 

Chocolate Thunder: no can do sir. Tell us the location

SSA Boss: Fine. 

SSA Boss has sent Best ASSets Unite! his location 

Pretty Boy: you guysssss in legit fine. I only just broke wrist. I’ll be fine. I think. 

Italian Uncle: how the fuck did you break a wrist 

Pretty Boy: uhhhh ok kind of embarrassing. I’m just a teensy weensy bit tipsy 

SSA Boss: He’s drunk. 

Pretty Boy: shut up. but I may or may not have wanted to grab someting from the top shelf. Climbed the shelf. Lost balance and fell down. but Im all aok cuz I fell but like my wrist is broken but like it’s my non dominant wrist and hence I’m perfectly good cuz I can still do casesskz skxnwmx 

Chocolate Thunder: wut  
SSA Boss: His phone fell. Excuse his terrible spelling and grammar he told me. He’s clearly drunk. 

Pretty Boy: im not drunkkkkkkk I’m fantasticxcxxx 

Lesbian™: sure jan 

Pretty Boy: I’m not Jan Im Spencer. Did you forget? 

Lesbian™: yup 

Pretty Boy: annnnnnnny way I can still do work 

SSA Boss: You’re not doing any work for at least a week.

Pretty Boy: it’s just a wrist I’m pretty sure I’m fine 

SSA Boss: You didn’t even call anyone first. 

Pretty Boy: you right. I legit stared at the ceiling thinking this might as welll happen. And it did. Then I drove to the hospital. Which by the way.I give a solid 3/10 don’t recommend lol. Turns out driving with two hands are kinda important. Not difficult but kinda hurty tho 

Mom Friend: I swear Spence I mean this lovingly but you’re a genius yet also one of the dumbest people I know 

Pretty Boy: I get told that a lot  
Mom Friends what 

Pretty Boy: you’re a genius 

Mom Friend: hotch take his phone 

Pretty Boy: noooooziejskxj

SSA Boss: Got it. 

SSA Boss: He is now ranting how it is his right to have his phone. (His very old phone).

Chocolate Thunder: he still has a blackberry lmaoooo

Tech Goddess: i swear i am going to force him to upgrade 

Tech Goddess: it is offensive how old his phone is 

SSA Boss: Reid says and I quote “Try me bitch. You can’t upgrade me to that alien shit.” 

Tech Goddess: my heart is broken. his brain is broken. 

SSA Boss: Reid says his brain is not broken

Tech Goddess: he is to me who doesn’t like technology

Italian Uncle: not me 

Tech Goddess: i bet the computer is a lot better to type with then a type writer 

Italian Uncle: true. but the clicks are very satisfying. Especially when you’re in the zone. 

Tech Goddess: u know what thats fair 

Tech Godess: but its my number 1 priority it get out residence genius a better phone 

Mom Friend: Im at the hospital and spence looks like hes gonna fight IV drip 

Mom Friend: oh shit he’s fighting the IV drip

Mom Friend: hotch is trying to stop him from fighting the iv

Lesbian™: I’m also here and lmaoooooo how is hotch losing? 

Lesbian™: hotch reid is literally a twiggggg 

Italian Uncle: 20 bucks on the Aaron 

Lesbian™: oh I’ll take that bet. 20 on Reid 

Mom Friend: and now they’re wrestling??? 

Mom Friend: aaaaaaaaaand hotch got spencer to stop. Reid tried to stand and fell over and fell alseep 

Lesbian™: boooooooooo reid I trusted you 

Italian Uncle: ha ha pay up 

Lesbian™: I will later. As if you’re not already a rich motherfucker 

Italian Uncle: hey it will go to a good cause. My therapy after I retire from all this bullshit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huddles are fun, penguins are neat  
> If you want to talk to me I’m @wynniwirt on tumblr


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lesbian™: heyyyyyy when your sad do you ever have the feeling to sit in the bath tub, blasting All By Myself covered by Celine Dion on loop with scented candles that smell like lavender and fresh ocean, and kinda look like your in a middle a seance while drinking marinara sauce straight from the jar and eating a whole stick of butter 
> 
> Italian Uncle: what the fuck what the fuck why? Why did I have to read with my own two eyes 
> 
> Pretty Boy: usually when I’m sad I cry in the shower while blasting heavy metal so no one can hear me cry and also you can’t tell if the tears are from you or the shampoo in your eyes 
> 
> SSA Boss: I repress all my emotions and then one day they pour out of me and explode.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Garcia: Tech Goddess  
> Hotch: SSA Boss  
> JJ: Mom Friend  
> Morgan: Chocolate Thunder  
> Prentiss: Lesbian™  
> Reid: Pretty Boy  
> Rossi: Italian Uncle

Groupchat: Best ASSets Unite! 

Tech Goddess: u guys. Heid has walked in together.  
I repeat. Heid has walked in together. 

Pretty Boy: what’s a heid? 

Tech Goddess: uhhhh. It’s a food. That I like.  
Pretty Boy: what 

Tech Goddess: nothing. Give me a minute. Or 5 i dont care. 

Group chat: Heid: is it real or nah? 

Tech Goddess: one thing I’m thinking is shittttt. The second I’m thinking is it’s definitely real

Chocolate Thunder: one- rip. Two- that’s doesn’t prove anything. They walk in together all the time. 

Italian Goddess: no you see. They’re the first ones here. They walked in together an hour later than usual. 

Lesbian™: that is a little sus ngl 

Chocolate Thunder: it’s a little sus but not proof. They’re not together. 

Mom Friend: as much as I hate it. I have to agree with Morgan. It’s not definite proof. I mean I used to walk in with Morgan all the time and we’re definitely NOT dating 

Lesbian™: hell yeah you aren’t. But also, you walk in with me and we’re ABSOLUTELY dating 

Tech Goddess: this isn’t getting anywhere. Type in yay or nay or meh if you think heid is happening

Lesbian™: yay 

Italian Uncle: yay 

Chocolate Thunder: nay 

Mom Friend: meh. Need more info

Tech Goddess: and I give a big YAY! So same bets as before? 

Lesbian™: same 20 bucks. But I change to yes

Mom Friend: I’ll keep my bet too. 20 bucks and they’re not together.

Chocolate Thunder: same bet. 40 bucks and they’re not together. 

Italian Uncle: 100 saying they are 

Tech Goddess: wow upped it huh? 

Italian Uncle: I am 90 percent sure. 

Tech Goddess: huh. Well I’m keeping my 40 bucks and saying they are. 

Messages between Aaron Hotchner . and Spencer Reid 

Spencer Reid: ok so the group chat is kind of quiet and it’s weird

Aaron Hotchner: It is a little worrying but at the same time I’m telling myself they’re not acting like children and actually doing their work that they’re being paid to do. 

Spencer Reid: gonna have to doubt that. They’re all on their phones 

Aaron Hotchner: They’re not getting paid to play on their phones. 

Spencer Reid: I mean. Technically Garcia is. 

Aaron Hotchner: Shut it Reid. You know what I mean. 

Spencer Reid: ooooh wait I can see Morgan’s phone. Can’t see that much cause he keeps his screen really dark. I wonder if he know that’s can hurt his eyes? I’ll tell him that. Maybe. Nahhh he can suffer and get glasses like the most of us. Huh I think they’re making bets on something? 

Aaron Hotchner: What’s the something? 

Spencer Reid: I have no idea. He turned off his phone dammit. 

Aaron Hotchner: Maybe they’ll get back to work. 

Aaron Hotchner: I wonder if they’ll ever guess that we’ve been in a relationship for a while? 

Spencer Reid: I have no idea. They don’t seem different. I’ll bet you that I give you breakfast in bed and I won’t steal your overshirts for 3 weeks (or time we actually get off that equals to 3 weeks) that they know. 

Aaron Hotchner: You drive a hard bargain. I also don’t bet often. But deal. You’re on. 

Spencer Reid: Heh. By the way Aaron. I never lose. I don’t make bets unless I’m absolutely positive. 

Aaron Hotchner: I know. And I’m absolutely positive they’re blind and haven’t suspected a thing.

Spencer Reid: I’ll also bet they guess the time right. They’re profilers. 

Aaron Hotchner: They may be profilers but our behavior has not changed that much since we’ve been together. 

Spencer Reid: hmmmm maybe the best man win. Which is me.

Aaron Hotchner: Sometimes I forget how competitive you are. 

Spencer Reid: ha 

Groupchat: Best ASSets Unite! 

SSA Boss: I’ve been trying to not ask this question but what is the meaning behind the group chat? 

Tech Goddess: welllllll boss. I’m so glad u ask. u see, we all have the best asses. not that I checked or anything. but in passing i may or may not glance at it when I walk from behind and I can 100% say for certain we all have good asses. and I know for certain i do. 

Chocolate Thunder: damn u lowkey rite 

Tech Goddess: see? And so I said best ASSets cause let’s be honest. fbi would be screwed without us and we have good asses 

SSA Boss: I usually don’t regret asking questions but this might be an instance when I do. 

Mom Friend: oof 

Italian Uncle: why did I have to read this? I didn’t want to wake up to this. I don’t care about my coworkers asses. 

Lesbian™: heyyyyyy when your sad do you ever have the feeling to sit in the bath tub, blasting All By Myself covered by Celine Dion on loop with scented candles that smell like lavender and fresh ocean, and kinda look like your in a middle a seance while drinking marinara sauce straight from the jar and eating a whole stick of butter 

Italian Uncle: what the fuck what the fuck why? Why did I have to read with my own two eyes. First the asses now this. When will the suffering end? 

Pretty Boy: usually when I’m sad I cry in the shower while blasting heavy metal so no one can hear me cry and also you can’t tell if the tears are from you or the shampoo in your eyes 

SSA Boss: I repress all my emotions and then one day they pour out of me and explode.

Mom Friend: you guys nooooo :(((( Emily big no and Reid big sad no and hotch no what that’s not healthy 

SSA Boss: Prentiss and Reid’s are better? 

Mom Friend: theirs aren’t healthy but they’re both crazy. It’s something you kind of have to accept when you date one of them and best friends with the other. 

Pretty Boy: BUT JJ. 

Lesbian™: jj I thought you loved me 

Mom Friend: I do but your kinda crazy love. 

Lesbian™: can’t deny taht 

Mom Friend: you guys are give me grey hairs 

Italian Uncle: ehh I already have them and you get to used to it. 

Chocolate Thunder: but ur old 

Italian Uncle: age has nothing to do with the stress this job puts me in and you guys put me through 

Chocolate Thunder: u know what that’s fair 

Tech Goddess: i swear next time i see u guys Im gonna give u guys so many hugs. gonna hug the sadness out of u guys. u can’t stop me. 

Italian Uncle: while you do that I’m gonna watch and drink scotch and laugh in amusement 

Tech Goddess: oh no. you are joining to. This is for everyone 

Italian Uncle: fuck

Lesbian™: uh oh spaghettios

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to think that Reid is super competitive and likes to wears hotch’s overshirts at home.   
> Hotch says he’s hates it but actually loves it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pretty Boy: you also ran over a traffic sign
> 
> Lesbian™: yeah yeah I know. Now go out and steal it 
> 
> Pretty Boy: what 
> 
> Lesbian™: if we take it. No one will know. 
> 
> Pretty Boy: uhhhhh I don’t that’s how it works but ok 
> 
> SSA Boss: What? No! Do not steal the traffic sign! 
> 
> Lesbian™: to late we did it and now we’re on the road again. Not like they’re gonna miss it. Reid’s driving cause apparently I give him heart attacks when I drive. Not my fault I’m gay and can’t drive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg thank you for over 100 kudos!!! I hope you enjoy this chapter!!! 
> 
> Garcia: Tech Goddess  
> Hotch: SSA Boss  
> JJ: Mom Friend  
> Morgan: Chocolate Thunder  
> Prentiss: Lesbian™  
> Reid: Pretty Boy  
> Rossi: Italian Uncle

Chocolate Thunder: i have a question 

Mom Friend: sure what’s up? 

Chocolate Thunder: let’s just say, in this very hypothetical situation idk someone, let’s name them Derek, a made up name, got very annoyed at another certain person let’s name them Spencer, another very made up name, in this very hypothetical situation and just locked them in the closet by Rossi’s office. Would I get in trouble? 

Mom Friend: you locked Spence in the closet

Chocolate Thunder: in my defense, this is is very hypothetical situation and he was being very annoying 

SSA Boss: No matter how annoying someone is, you can not just lock them in the closet. 

Italian Uncle: please don’t. Thought the closet was haunted cause all I could hear is mumbling. 

Chocolate Thunder: absjdoejbf

Lesbian™: wtf 

Chocolate Thunder: little fucker jumped on me 

Lesbian™: ha 

Tech Goddess: lol u kinda deserve that 

Pretty Boy: you know I’d be very mad but at the same time I can pick locks and I did think up a brilliant thesis for my research paper in there. 

Tech Goddess: only u can think up a brilliant thesis while being locked in the closet 

Pretty Boy: to be fair that was the majority of my school days 

Lesbian™: ahsjdohjdklf lmaooooo 

Lesbian™: do be like that tho 

Pretty Boy: yup. Smart enough to know not to come out when I was already getting bullied 

Lesbian™: facts 

Tech Goddess: I hope you guys know that you’re safe and we love you and accept you and you don’t have to go into the closet ever again!!!! 

Chocolate Thunder: agreed. Would never harm you on purpose you guys 

Pretty Boy: I know. Thanks you guys 

Lesbian™: ditto 

Chocolate Thunder: who the fuck says ditto 

Lesbian™: me duh. It’s a thing. 

Italian Uncle: I may be old as fuck and not hip apparently 

Lesbian™: you’re not hip. You still do the whip 

Italian Uncle: doing the whip is very fun but even I don’t say ditto 

Chocolate Thunder: yikes he called u out Emily whatcha gonna do 

Lesbian™: u know wat. U and me. Tonight 3 am @ Chili’s parking lot. It’s on old man 

Pretty Boy: Won’t that technically be tomorrow? 

Lesbian™: ughhhhh idc fine tommrow. Me and Rossi gonna fite till someone goes down. Loser how to do the others paperwork 

Chocolate Thunder: ooooo

Tech Goddess: I’m gonna stream it 

SSA Boss: No one is going to Chili’s at 3 am to fight over a word. 

Tech Goddess: awwww 

SSA Boss: But he’s not wrong no one really uses ditto. 

Italian Uncle: haaaaaaa yes. he’s on my side. 

SSA Boss: I am on no one’s side. How dare you accuse me of doing so. 

Chocolate Thunder: ooooooo shit 

Tech Goddess: lol 

Lesbian™: I thought you were gonna be on my side 

Mom Friend: gonna pop in a say real quick that no one really says ditto 

Lesbian™: my own girlfriend. Love of my life. Has betrayed me. 

Mom Friend: f in the chat 

Mom Friend: f

Pretty Boy: f

Chocolate Thunder: f

Tech Goddess: f

Italian Uncle: f

SSA Boss: F.  
Lesbian™: o.o 

Lesbian™: once again hotch makes me the most shook 

SSA Boss: I guess you’ll have to get used to it. 

SSA Boss: I mean, I did agree with Dave.

Lesbian™: fucking knew it U can’t hide from me 

Lesbian™: yooooo @Pretty Boy, u willing to take that trip to the mountains and make friends with the goats early 

Lesbian™: I mean I still gotta fight Rossi. But I might have to extend that invitation to the whole team. 

Pretty Boy: I mean. Ditto is a very old term. 

Lesbian™: I swear Reid I will fight you. And I will win. 

Pretty Boy: my bags have been packed for weeks and we can go the mountains whenever 

Lesbian™: perfect

Lesbian™: welp see @the whole ass team except Reid I guess @ 3 am to fight them. 

Chocolate Thunder: oh well be there 

——————————————————-

Pretty Boy: I can’t believe Emily actually fought all of you guys. And won. Except hotch. She lost to hotch somehow. And Garcia didn’t join 

Chocolate Thunder: id like to see you try pretty boy

Pretty Boy: oh no I’m perfectly content with just watching you guys get beaten up

Lesbian™: I won cause I have the power of god and anime on my side. Also spite

Lesbian™: and hotch is very good at fighting somehow 

SSA Boss: It’s called experience. Don’t try me. 

Italian Uncle: actually it’s called you were unhinged when you first joined and were willing to fight anyone. 

Italian Uncle: this man, who looks responsible willingly fought people. Everytime I asked he said “bitches get stitches. I don’t got time to deal with bullshit” this bitch was willing to fight people. He gave no shit 

Pretty Boy: he still doesn’t. When we were together at the Chester hard wick case he was gonna fight him. Called him a coward and everything. Took off his jacket guys. 

Italian Uncle: you didn’t tell us that. You just said Reid talked him down

SSA Boss: In my defense, he was going to murder us both. He was also being a bitch. 

Lesbian™: and you said murder wasn’t the answer lmaooooo

SSA Boss: Well technically it’s not. 

Chocolate Thunder: technically it can be 

SSA Boss: Not really. Let’s never talk about this again.

SSA Boss: Also where’s Prentiss and Reid? They’re not here at work. 

Pretty Boy: oh whoops. We’re heading on our adventure to the mountains to befriend mountain goats. 

SSA Boss: You mean your runaway trip because of betrayal? 

Pretty Boy: yes 

Pretty Boy: like I said. Betrayal runs deep. Also Emily is driving us to the mountain. We’re then gonna ditch the car. We have a plan.

Italian Uncle: huh. Didn’t think you would actually do it. 

Tech Goddess: i can literally still find u lol. Cell phone locations

Pretty Boy: we took care of that 

Chocolate Thunder: wow ominous 

Mom Friend: Emily. Spencer. Come back to Quantico right now. 

Chocolate Thunder: ooooh shit mom voice

Lesbian™: but we don’t want to 

Pretty Boy: emilyyyyyyy hands on the wheelllllll 

Lesbian™: chill I got this 

Pretty Boy: asdfhklluih shjdkcokjekf

Lesbian™: huh maybe I don’t 

Mom Friend: are you guys ok???? 

Pretty Boy: there are so many accidents related to texting and driving 

Pretty Boy: you also ran over a traffic sign

Lesbian™: yeah yeah I know. Now go out and steal it 

Pretty Boy: what 

Lesbian™: if we take it. No one will know. 

Pretty Boy: uhhhhh I don’t that’s how it works but ok 

SSA Boss: What? No! Do not steal the traffic sign! 

Lesbian™: to late we did it and now we’re on the road again. Not like they’re gonna miss it. Reid’s driving cause apparently I give him heart attacks when I drive. Not my fault I’m gay and can’t drive. 

Mom Friend: why these my best friends? Why am I dating one? 

Lesbian™: because you love meeeeee 

Mom Friend: well yea but I don’t want to die young from you guys questionable decisions 

SSA Boss: You both need to actually come back. We have a case. 

Lesbian™: but we’re so far. 

SSA Boss: I’m sending you details. 

Lesbian™: ughhhhh fine. Fuck. lol looks like we’re actually closer 

SSA Boss: Then meet us there. 

Lesbian™: Aye aye sir 

Lesbian™: avdjdkockeje and my driving is bad???? Wtf Reid what type of move did you do there??? Omggggg that’s illegal. I’m so proud of you. 

Chocolate Thunder: you are a terrible influence on him. It’s great 

Lesbian™: hes now muttering calculations to see which ways faster and to see if we can beat you guys there cause you are taking the jet. Ohhhhh we going fast he found out. Beat ya there lol

SSA Boss: I’m going to kill you guys when we get there. 

Lesbian™: no fear

Mom Friend: if he doesn’t I will 

Lesbian™: one fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t text and drive   
> And yes. I think Emily would totally fight everyone on the team. I know I didn’t make her fight Reid but let’s be honest, she’d win that too.   
> My tumblr is @wynniwirt if you want to chat!!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lesbian™: can I just say taht while Reid was kidnapped. This wasn’t that bad of a case. Like no one was seriously injured 
> 
> Mom Friend: my worry for him has hurt my brain
> 
> Lesbian™: to be fair I think you’d worry about him regardless 
> 
> Mom Friend: you’re not wrong it’s like my job as his best friend to make sure he doesn’t do anything too stupid 
> 
> Tech Goddess: I bought bubble wrap 
> 
> Chocolate Thunder: i thot u were kidding 
> 
> Tech Goddess: I’m always serious about bubble wrap
> 
> Italian Uncle: again. Grey hairs. This team is giving me more grey hairs then actual age I swear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Garcia: Tech Goddess  
> Hotch: SSA Boss  
> JJ: Mom Friend  
> Morgan: Chocolate Thunder  
> Prentiss: Lesbian™  
> Reid: Pretty Boy  
> Rossi: Italian Uncle
> 
> Sorry if I messed up the timeline a lot. Idk what timeline it is sorry  
> My tumblr is @wynniwirt if you want to scream about criminal minds!

Chocolate Thunder: i can t fucking believe that Reid got kidnapped. 

Lesbian™: I know. We were all watching him. He wasn’t even in the field. He was still at the station. 

Mom Friend: I hope he’s ok. He gets kidnapped/injured way to often 

Italian Uncle: I bet half the medical costs the bau had to cover is because of him 

Tech Goddess: that’s very true. I just checked damn ok. 

Tech Goddess: but I am working as fast as my perfect manicured fingers can and trying to find out who are unsub can be and his location. 

SSA Boss: He’s strong. I believe he can handle anything this unsub might do to him. 

Italian Uncle: this kids stubborn. He can do it 

Mom Friend: just because he can does make me any less worried. 

Tech Goddess: I worry about u guys regardless of how capable u may be 

Chocolate Thunder: u know what that’s fair 

SSA Boss: You know what, I lied. I’m worrying about Reid. It’s been 8 hours and we have nothing so far. 

Italian Uncle: shit 

Lesbian™: worst part is that I thought I had something but it was useless 

Tech Goddess: I swear I will find something 

Italian Uncle: hopefully. I’m trying to remain positive by believing that he’s ok 

Chocolate Thunder: hope the boss is ok

SSA Boss: fuck 

Italian Uncle: nope. he’s worried. Curses and no proper grammar. I’m gonna make sure he doesn’t wear a hole in the floor

SSA Boss: I’m fine. 

Italian Uncle: and im Santa you’re not fine Aaron just accept it 

Chocolate Thunder: come on jj. Maybe we’re missing something 

Pretty Boy: can I just say i am going to throw hands with the next unsub who decided that it’s fun to target me. They kidnapped me again. Well adultnapped. I’m not a kid lol 

SSA Boss: Reid? 

Mom Friend: omg are you ok??? 

Pretty Boy: like do they have a groupchat? Do they all have pictures of the bau and are like lets kidnap the tall skinny one? Is this how it works? Is this all I’m good for? Like yoooooo get a new member. 

Pretty Boy: you know what makes me pissed? They didn’t even tie me correctly. Or anything. Their monologue is boring. At least add some flare. Like dam am I not good enough for flare? 

Tech Goddess: his phone. OMG his phone I can track his location!!!! 

Chocolate Thunder: how’d you get your phone kid? 

Pretty Boy: oh unsub left it in the room. I untied myself cause the ropes weren’t tied that well. I also managed to convince him that this isn’t the life he wants. He’s similar to me where his mom was ill and dad left at a young age. I told him same and we talked it out. He should call or something. He’ll want hotch tho 

Italian Uncle: hes calling. Yup wants hotch 

Lesbian™: are you injured 

Pretty Boy: nah. He only punched me like once lmaooo it’s all good. Overall not the worst kidnapping 

Italian Uncle: you’re way too calm considering you were kidnapped for 8 hours 

Pretty Boy: 8 hours and 11 minutes. Well, probably like 8 hours and 50 minutes when you’ll arrive or something. Besides this ain’t my first rodeo 

Chocolate Thunder: lol ain’t 

Mom Friend: pls not the time 

Chocolate Thunder: sorry 

Tech Goddess: I found his location!!!!! And yeah that’s about right. I swear when u get back I am wrapping you In bubble wrap. You’ll never be allowed to leave it 

Pretty Boy: what if I have to go the restroom 

Tech Goddess: I guess you can go but other then food water and bathroom you’re not leaving the rubble wrap 

Pretty Boy: u know what that’s fair. Also the unsub is tied. It was the first guy we interviewed actually. The guy who works at the printer shop. 

Lesbian™: figured he was a little strange 

Lesbian™: oh by the way hotch is going very fast so maybe the time might be a little faster then normal 

Pretty Boy: that’s chill. I’m making grilled cheese right now. Oh shitttt Hotch broke down the door   
Wow. Kinda wild. Ngl that’s kinda hot 

Chocolate Thunder: what 

Pretty Boy: don’t worry about it 

———————————

Lesbian™: can I just say taht while Reid was kidnapped. This wasn’t that bad of a case. Like no one was seriously injured 

Mom Friend: my worry for him has hurt my brain

Lesbian™: to be fair I think you’d worry about him regardless 

Mom Friend: you’re not wrong it’s like my job as his best friend to make sure he doesn’t do anything too stupid 

Tech Goddess: I bought bubble wrap 

Chocolate Thunder: i thot u were kidding 

Tech Goddess: I’m always serious about bubble wrap

Italian Uncle: again. Grey hairs. This team is giving me more grey hairs then actual age I swear 

SSA Boss: hi!!! 

Chocolate Thunder: wut 

Mom Friend: Jack is that you? 

SSA Boss: yeah!!! Daddy’s phone was going off but he wasn’t answering it so I got curious and I took it form his desk 

Mom Friend: omg wait 

Mom Friend has changed Best ASSets Unite! to BAU GC! 

Mom Friend: ok I feel better now

Mom Friend: you guys can’t curse or do anything or I swear I will make sure you regret it. Looking at Emily, Derek, and Penelope 

Lesbian™: got it 

Chocolate Thunder: yup

Tech Goddess: u got it! 

Chocolate Thunder: where’s Spencer 

Mom Friend: I don’t know he didn’t say when I asked 

SSA Boss: oh!!!! He’s with daddy! Pencer came over cause daddy was really worried about him. I aske why and Pencer said it was nothing while daddy said something bad hapen at work. So now they’re talking in his room 

Tech Goddess: really now hmmmm

SSA Boss: yeah!!!! So I made pencer a get better card!!! 

Lesbian™: that’s actually really cute what the heck 

Italian Uncle: I know right 

Pretty Boy: Jack you know you can’t steal your dad’s phone you know that right? 

SSA Boss: but it was going on forever pencer!!!! 

Pretty Boy: if you give it back I’ll read you a story 

SSA Boss: ummmm. Can I sleep with you and daddy? Cause daddy said sometimg bad happens to you and I made you a card!!! 

Pretty Boy: oh you didn’t have to make me a card. And I don’t know. You have to ask your dad 

SSA Boss: but your my dad too pencer!!! Your papa!!! So you get a say to!!! 

Tech Goddess: WHAT!!!!   
Chocolate Thunder: WAHTTTTT

Italian Uncle: knew it 

Lesbian™: absjdklcleofkejdkala!!!!!

Mom Friend: what

Pretty Boy: uhhh whoops. You know what yes Jack you can but first give your dad his phone back 

SSA Boss: yayyyyyy!!!! Ok papa!!!! ! Bye you guysss! Tell Henry I said hi aunt jj and aunt Emily!!!! Bye bye!!! 

Tech Goddess has changed BAU GC! To Best ASSets Unite! 

Tech Goddess: so. u and hotch 

Pretty Boy: I plead the fifth and will not say anything without my lawyer present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh Reid totally thinks hotch breaking down the door is hot   
> And Emily and jj take care of Henry together


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lesbian™: Reid I saw you and you were playing candy crush 
> 
> Pretty Boy: as if you weren’t either 
> 
> Lesbian™: touche 
> 
> SSA Boss: Don’t worry Morgan, I have notes from the meeting. Quick question, were any of you paying attention to the meeting? 
> 
> Pretty Boy: definitely not
> 
> Mom Friend: sort of 
> 
> Lesbian™: the meeting was boring and I played in my phone lol 
> 
> Tech Goddess: i gave up half way through 
> 
> Chocolate Thunder: lowkey fell alseep 
> 
> Italian Uncle: not going to the meeting was a choice and I stand by it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Garcia: Tech Goddess  
> Hotch: SSA Boss  
> JJ: Mom Friend  
> Morgan: Chocolate Thunder  
> Prentiss: Lesbian™  
> Reid: Pretty Boy  
> Rossi: Italian Uncle
> 
> And I’m @wynniwirt if y’all want to talk or anything

Tech Goddess: soooooooo r we gonna talk about   
Reid and hotch 

SSA Boss: I prefer not to.

Pretty Boy: same

Tech Goddess: but ur lawyer is finally present 

Pretty Boy: fuck 

Pretty Boy: fine what do you want to know 

Tech Goddess: how long 

Pretty Boy: 2 years, 4 months, 6 days, 17 hours, 35 minutes and 25 seconds. 

Pretty Boy: and yes I’m also taking care of Jack as my son and he calls me papa as you guys know even tho I don’t know why lol 

SSA Boss: Jack loves you like a parent. I’ve said this and so has he. The Reid effect is no more. 

Pretty Boy: mmmmmmm 

Lesbian™: that time is very specific 

Chocolate Thunder: well fuck 

Italian Uncle: ha ha pay up 

Mom Friend: damn 

Pretty Boy: quick question did you guess correctly 

Tech Goddess: nah we just bet on rather ir not y’all were dating or not. Me, Emily and Rossi said yes while jj and Morgan said no

Pretty Boy: my own friends 

Chocolate Thunder: to be fair you weren’t obvious 

SSA Boss: That was the point.

Pretty Boy: yoooo hotch I win the bet

SSA Boss: Shit.

Lesbian™: lol what did you guys bet on 

Pretty Boy: whether or not you guys could guess were together. I said yes while he said no. 

SSA Boss: But technically not all them said yes. Morgan and JJ said no. 

Pretty Boy: when did you guys suspect? 

Italian Uncle: I suspected about 2 years ago because I’m brilliant clearly and told Garcia and she agreed and then we proceeded to spy and make bets 

SSA Boss: You knew because you walked into my office without permission and Reid kissing me goodbye. 

Tech Goddess: 90percent my ass you had inside infoooo

Italian Uncle: never reveal inside information. 

Mom Friend: should his bet count

Lesbian™: 100 is 100 so I say yes

Tech Goddess: agreed you two need to pay up 

Pretty Boy: yesss so Aaron I do win and you owe meeeeee them being blind my ass. You know   
Garcia and Rossi can’t help but gossip 

Tech Goddess: you know what that’s valid 

Italian Uncle: true 

SSA Boss: You’re not wrong. But fine I’ll admit defeat. 

Pretty Boy: I told you. I don’t make bets unless I know I’m going to win. Never bet against the house 

Tech Goddess: what did you guys bet on 

Pretty Boy: breakfast in bed and I won’t steal his shirts for 3 weeks or the equivalent of three weeks cause cases 

Tech Goddess: awww that’s so cute wtf 

Lesbian™: why can’t we be this cute jj 

Mom Friend: because you said you hate my clothing 

Lesbian™: well yeah because I love it off of you. You know what’s sexy? If it’s on the floor ;)

Mom Friend: you didn’t do laundry did you 

Lesbian™: no sorry :( 

Mom Friend: fine I’ll do it but you have to do the dishes 

Lesbian™: bet 

Tech Goddess: see u guys are cute to 

Chocolate Thunder: yooo does anyone have the notes form the meeting? 

Pretty Boy: I do here y’a go 

Chocolate Thunder: this is a sticky note with the words coffee and poptarts on it 

Pretty Boy: oops wrong one 

Chocolate Thunder: this is just a sticky note with the words “this is boring please shut the fuck up you miscretin can’t even pronounce the words right”

Pretty Boy: well the meeting was boring and I had to restrain myself from doing the meeting myself. It shouldn’t take 3 hours. 

SSA Boss: That was the designated time slot? There were multiple people talking? 

Pretty Boy: well it shouldn’t take that many people. Don’t worry hotch I was paying attention to you but totally zoned out with everyone else 

SSA Boss: That is somehow less reassuring. 

Lesbian™: Reid I saw you and you were playing candy crush 

Pretty Boy: as if you weren’t either 

Lesbian™: touche 

SSA Boss: Don’t worry Morgan, I have notes from the meeting. Quick question, were any of you paying attention to the meeting? 

Pretty Boy: definitely not

Mom Friend: sort of 

Lesbian™: the meeting was boring and I played in my phone lol 

Tech Goddess: i gave up half way through 

Chocolate Thunder: lowkey fell alseep 

Italian Uncle: not going to the meeting was a choice and I stand by it 

SSA Boss: Wait, you didn’t even go? Where were you? 

Italian Uncle: being productive 

SSA Boss: Were you playing mini golf in your office? 

Italian Uncle: i plead the fifth. Besides you can not prove I did and hence it doesn’t count 

SSA Boss: I’m pretty sure I can. Well, at least Garcia can. 

Italian Uncle: Garcia if you don’t I will buy you something glittery

Tech Goddess: aight bet 

SSA Boss: That’s not how it works. 

Tech Goddess: well now it does 

SSA Boss: I’m not getting paid enough for this. 

Italian Uncle: to be fair I don’t think any of us are 

Lesbian™: says you and your mansion and 2 vacation homes

Italian Uncle: that was from my books clearly. We don’t get paid that much 

Lesbian™: u right and that’s valid 

Mom Friend: quick question you guys why is Em   
Derek and Spence on the roof 

SSA Boss: They’re on the what? 

Mom Friend: roof 

Mom Friend: they’re dropping water balloons on people 

Tech Goddess: y didn’t u invite meeeeee

Chocolate Thunder: u were busy and we didn’t want to bother uuu :(((

Tech Goddess: u can bother me any time 

Chocolate Thunder: even when you’re on a roll with tech 

Tech Goddess: no 

Pretty Boy: oop 

Lesbian™: well Reid is making calculations and me and Morgan are throwing them 

Pretty Boy: perfect strats 

SSA Boss: I swear I’m babysitting children. 

Chocolate Thunder: it’s kind of fun 

Pretty Boy: don’t worry we’re doing it to people who deserve it 

Italian Uncle: how can you tell 

Pretty Boy: profilers and people who are Being rude and yelling in their phones 

Chocolate Thunder: we’re also doing it to some higher ups 

SSA Boss: You’re doing it to some WHAT?   
Chocolate Thunder: higher ups some of them annoying 

Pretty Boy: I’m doing it to the ones who made the meeting boring 

Lesbian™: yup. Fuck the government 

SSA Boss: We ARE the government! 

Mom Friend: ^^^^

Lesbian™: ;)

Mom Friend: ;) 

Pretty Boy: ;) 

SSA Boss: Stop that. 

Pretty Boy: ;( 

Chocolate Thunder: ew

Lesbian™: oh shit we gotta run. See you downstairs!!! 

Chocolate Thunder: ahhhhhh! Reid noooo

Pretty Boy: leave without me 

Lesbian™: we’ve come to far. Morgan carry him 

Chocs Thunder: got it 

Pretty Boy: this is worse you should have left me 

Mom Friend: how 

Pretty Boy: je bridal carrying me 

Tech Goddess: wish that were me 

Pretty Boy: and I wish that was hotch 

Tech Goddess: what 

Pretty Boy: what 

Lesbian™: next time don’t be a clumsy dumbass and fall 

SSA Boss: I’m definitely not getting paid enough for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Emily, Morgan and Reid cause lots of chaos together when given the chance. Garcia joins sometimes.   
> Hotch regrets his life choices and wonders how he got where he is


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tech Goddess: but bosssss what’s ur houseeeee plssss I’m dying to knowwwww 
> 
> SSA Boss: I’m a gryffindor I believe. 
> 
> Tech Goddess: you know now that I think about it that makes a lot of sense and shit I owe Derek 10 dollars 
> 
> SSA Boss: What? 
> 
> Chocolate Thunder: FUCK YEAH 
> 
> Tech Goddess: lowkey thot you’d be ravenclaw lol 
> 
> Mom Friend: yeah I can see that too 
> 
> Tech Goddess: but now that I have thot more on that gryffindor makes much more sense oh fearless leader 
> 
> SSA Boss: Thank you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sorry for not updating in a while. I was super busy and had writers block.  
> Sorry I’m a Harry Potter fan so this is a Harry Potter chapter. I do not endorse jk Rowling tho. Btw what I wrote is my opinion. If y’all want to scream about criminal minds or Harry Potter I’m @wynniwirt on tumblr

Tech Goddess: ok u guys. What Harry Potter houses would u be. I mean high key fuck jkr cause fuck that transphobic and racist shit. Not in my fucking household. but houses r still fun. I’m a hufflepuff

Pretty Boy: what the fuck is Harry Potter and what is a house

Italian Uncle: even I know what Harry Potter is and I was like 44 when the first book came out. 

Pretty Boy: I was 16 and getting PhDs 

Italian Uncle: as if you couldn’t read in general 

Lesbian™: is this you finally admitting your old

Italian Uncle: I am not saying I am old but clearly superior with the youth 

Lesbian™: you still dab when you solve a case I don’t think you are qualified 

Italian Uncle: at least I don’t awkwardly finger gun at jj when she says I did a great job during a case 

Mom Friend: he got y’a there 

Lesbian™: just because it’s true doesn’t mean it hurts any less 

Chocolate Thunder: is this another pop culture reference you don’t understand

Pretty Boy: maybe it is

Mom Friend: I’m not letting you stay in the dark about Harry Potter. I may hate the author but the series was my childhood. I’m sending you my copies ASAP

Tech Goddess: btw they’re 7

Pretty Boy:7??? Ok give me like an hour I guess 

Lesbian™: ooo and the cursed child which is “canon compliance”. It’s shit don’t read it lmaooo it contradicts almost everything in the og series 

Tech Goddess: while boy genius is catching up what about you guys

Mom Friend: I’m a hufflepuff

Tech Goddess: omgggg yes same houses! we could share dorms probabaly 

Lesbian™: shdjdjdjf I’m a slytherin. jj we can have the hufflepuff and slytherin relationship!!! 

Mom Friend: yesssss 

Chocolate Thunder: im gryffindor

Lesbian™: makes sense you give off classic gryffindor vibes

Italian Uncle: i am also a slytherin 

Lesbian™: hey we’re in the same house 

Italian Uncle: that’s unfortunate 

Lesbian™: I am a fucking delight tell him jj 

Mom Friend: she’s ok man she kinda had crackhead energy but I love her anyway 

Lesbian™: JJJJJJJJ 

Mom Friend: sorry not sorry 

Chocolate Thunder: lmaooooo

Tech Goddess: HOTCHHHHHHHH. i wanna know his. he probs read it when he was young 

Italian Uncle: oh he sure did. He introduced it to me and everything. 

Tech Goddess: interesting 

Tech Goddess: @SSA Boss answer ur phone plssssss were dying for answerssssss 

Chocolate Thunder: no cap Reid’s a ravenclaw

Tech Goddess: oh tahts very obvi everyone @ hotch 

Chocolate Thunder: @SSA Boss 

Mom Friend: sorry @SSA Boss 

Lesbian™: yooooo @SSA Boss 

Italian Uncle: this will make him mad lol @SSA Boss 

SSA Boss: I swear, if this isn’t an emergency and considering it usually isn’t. 

Tech Goddess: what’s your hog warts house man. Er sir 

SSA Boss: I was once again hoping you were actually working. You know, our jobs that we are paid to be doing. 

Lesbian™: this can be considered bonding and that important for teams 

Tech Goddess: exactly! team bonding. also Reid’s reading the series right now cause hes a repressed child and has never read t before

SSA Boss: He hasn’t? 

Italian Uncle: nope. Not like me and hip with tye youth. Besides now you and him can watch the movies together. With Jack or soenthjng. 

SSA Boss: Maybe. 

Tech Goddess: but bosssss what’s ur houseeeee plssss I’m dying to knowwwww 

SSA Boss: I’m a gryffindor I believe. 

Tech Goddess: you know now that I think about it that makes a lot of sense and shit I owe Derek 10 dollars 

SSA Boss: What? 

Chocolate Thunder: FUCK YEAH 

Tech Goddess: lowkey thot you’d be ravenclaw lol 

Mom Friend: yeah I can see that too 

Tech Goddess: but now that I have thot more on that gryffindor makes much more sense oh fearless leader 

SSA Boss: Thank you? 

Pretty Boy: GUESS WHAT fuckers I just finished reading all 7 of the books. And the cursed child which you are correct it’s actually not that good 

Chocolate Thunder: you know it’s only been like 45 min and I’m like how but then I remember  
Tech Goddess: lol 

Pretty Boy: I have many feelings on these books.  
My main question is why did Harry stay in an abusive household after he found he was a wizard?like yes I understand the whole blood magic but he never considered them family (can’t blame them) so the magic shouldn’t have worked in the first place. Like literally could have stayed at hog warts? Literally the safest place on earth ? Or at Grimmauld place where there are so many charms? This series only works cause of convenience I swear and no offense why did he name Albus Severus after people who constantly abused him. Makes no sense? Could have names after anyone else. Yeah I said it.

Tech Goddess: damb 

Lesbian™: honestly I reread the series recently and same literally half the questions I asked. Also why wasn’t it gayer. Like Albus Sev x Scorpius was right there but they said nah and I think that’s very heteronormative of them 

Pretty Boy: makes no sense. By otherwise despite some plot holes and clear capitalism and racism involved it was very good. 

Chocolate Thunder: there are movies 

Pretty Boy: there are movies? I mean we all know it’s not gonna be as good as the books but I’d like to wathc them

Italian Uncle: ask your boyfriend he has all of them 

Pretty Boy: wait really? 

SSA Boss: I was saving them for Jack when he got a little older but we can definitely watch them when we have a free weekend. 

Pretty Boy: ok yeah bet 

Tech Goddess: oh duh the whole thing that started this what house you think your in? 

Pretty Boy: I think I’m gonna have to say ravenclaw 

Chocolate Thunder: called it 

Lesbian™: I think we all did you AINT slick 

Chocolate Thunder: shut up what if he chose slytherin or hufflepuff 

Lesbian™: I literally didn’t think so but also I can see it 

Chocolate Thunder: seee 

Pretty Boy: while yes I may have some of those qualities for those house I do not they fit me the best. So I picked ravenclaw. Alsoagain nother question why are they choosing their houses that determine them for the next 7 years at 11. Which apparently determined whether or not your next 7 years are gonna be worthwhile. Like your values are chosen at 11. What if they change. I mean I know why For me cause I’m a genius but they’re not? 

Tech Goddess: to be fair Hermione could be considered a genius 

Pretty Boy: yes she’s cool and could possibly but did she graduate school at age 12 and then proceed to get 3 phds and multiple bachelors 

Tech Goddess: shit you right 

Pretty Boy: don’t get me wrong she’s cool and really smart but uhhhhhh

Mom Friend: don’t worry we gotchu 

Pretty Boy: don’t want to offend cause they’d be dead without her but never considered her a genius? It’s hard to explain 

Chocolate Thunder: don’t worry about it we get what you mean and and it’s not that offensive in the first place man it’s like a preference and all that 

Pretty Boy: felt bad cause I bet she’s a well liked character 

Lesbian™: uhhhhh yooooooo SOS the kitchen lounge is on fire I repeat the kitchen lounge is on fire

Mom Friend: how the fuck 

SSA Boss: How? 

Lesbian™: it wasn’t me I swear blame Rossi 

Italian Uncle: Um excuse me it’s not me 

Lesbian™: you had METAL IN TUBBERWARE AND HAD IT IN THE MICROWAVE AHDJFKDKJFF 

Lesbian™: I thought you knewwwww how to cook you’re the cheffffff 

Italian Uncle: I told you I PUT IT IN THERE AS A REMINDER TO MICROWAVE IT YOU TURNED IT ON THINKING JT NEEDED TO BE MICROWAVED 

Lesbian™: oh yeah whoops 

Mom Friend: also why did you turn it on for someone else’s food 

Lesbian™: I was trying to do a nice thing 

Chocolate Thunder: rip 

Lesbian™: we fixed it 

Italian Uncle: I swear. Is it to early to retire again 

Tech Goddess: yes 

SSA Boss: If you still want health benefits. 

Italian Uncle: I was one of the co founders of this goddamn unit I will make my own health benefits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to think Emily is a confident lesbian and can flirt with others but if they flirt back she’s a disaster


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pretty Boy: are we ever gonna know Emily and Penelope question 
> 
> Lesbian™: SGDKDKDF oh yeah I got distracted uhhhhhh fuck what was it 
> 
> Tech Goddess: while U think on it my question was what happens if you stcik wax paper in the oven 
> 
> Pretty Boy: uh smoke you shouldn’t put wax paper in the oven it’ll melt and smoke will happen 
> 
> Tech Goddess: huh. Well shit 
> 
> Mom Friend: DID YOU PUT WAX PAPER IN THE OVEN? 
> 
> Tech Goddess: I DIDNT KNKW I ASKED EMILY AND SHE SAID ITLL BE FINE 
> 
> Mom Friend: EMILY IS A GAY DISATER AND SHOULDNT BE NEAR THE KITCHEN SSJXKKD SHE LITERALLY STARED AT A GLASS LF WATTER AND IT WAS ON FIRE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you want me add the text names again or are guys good? 
> 
> I’m @wynniwirt on tumblr if y’all wanna talk about criminal minds Shdjfkd

Lesbian™: hello fellow gays and hets (Rossi) I have a question 

Italian Uncle: I could date a man. I dated a man. I dated motherfucking Jason Gideon 

Lesbian™: I stand corrected pls tell me more 

Tech Goddess: sir 

Mom Friend: what really 

Pretty Boy: huh makes sense 

Chocolate Thunder: i 

SSA Boss: You know, I’d say I was shocked but I’m really not. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. 

Italian Uncle: well you see, when your starting a new unit in the government it takes a long time at the office. With lonely nights with just your friend and sometimes you have heartfelt conversations 

Lesbian™: and they were roommates 

Tech Goddess: omg they were roommates 

Italian Uncle: this was after my divorce and well things started to escalate and we dated. it didn’t last long because you know. It was the 70s and we were starting a new unit and we wanted to be taken seriously :( what could have been 

Lesbian™: so what your saying is my idols are lowkey a gay 

Italian Uncle: I guess. I’m your idol? 

Lesbian™: well yeah. But now I know you’re a nerd so 

Italian Uncle: I’m writing you out of my will 

Lesbian™: I was in the will

Italian Uncle: well not anymore. All your stuff will go to Reid now 

Pretty Boy: yes 

Lesbian™: wait what noooooo pls

Italian Uncle: it’s what you deserve 

Lesbian™: wait what were you gonna give me 

Italian Uncle: I’ll never tell 

Lesbian™: dammit 

Tech Goddess: yo quick question I know we all want to know what we’re gonna get when our resident pasta man chokes 

Italian Uncle: I’ll never choke I’d swallow cause I ain’t a bitch 

Lesbian™: tmi pls I don’t want to read abit your previous sex life 

Tech Goddess: why am I proud 

Chocolate Thunder: cuz its on the same level as our humor 

Tech Goddess: fuck true tho 

Pretty Boy: are we ever gonna know Emily and Penelope question 

Lesbian™: SGDKDKDF oh yeah I got distracted uhhhhhh fuck what was it 

Tech Goddess: while U think on it my question was what happens if you stcik wax paper in the oven 

Pretty Boy: uh smoke you shouldn’t put wax paper in the oven it’ll melt and smoke will happen 

Tech Goddess: huh. Well shit 

Mom Friend: DID YOU PUT WAX PAPER IN THE OVEN? 

Tech Goddess: I DIDNT KNKW I ASKED EMILY AND SHE SAID ITLL BE FINE 

Mom Friend: EMILY IS A GAY DISATER AND SHOULDNT BE NEAR THE KITCHEN SSJXKKD SHE LITERALLY STARED AT A GLASS LF WATTER AND IT WAS ON FIRE 

Lesbian™: id try to defend myself but it’s a fact :( 

Mom Friend: sorry Emily I love you despite the fact you can set a glass of water on fire because you’re amazing 

Lesbian™: Abdkdkdkf 

Tech Goddess: well I got the wax paper out of the oven so yay nothing was set on fire jsut has a Smokey smell 

Mom Friend: oh that’s good. That nothing was set on fire 

Lesbian™: oh yeah I rember my question lmaoooo. Speaking of wax is it a bad idea to eat candle wax 

Mom Friend: someone call poison control 

Tech Goddess: on it 

SSA Boss: How are you even adults? 

Lesbian™: spite 

Tech Goddess: according to the gov I am I guess lol 

Chocolate Thunder: age 

Pretty Boy: I’ve been an adult since I was 10 Yeet and I hate it 

Italian Uncle: cause I said so 

Mom Friend: I’m trying and it’s not working 

SSA Boss: These answers worry me deeply. 

—————————

SSA Boss: So. I want to ask why the majority of my team is missing? :) 

Italian Uncle: uh oh. Hes using emojis. We’re doomed. uhhhh Aaron I would like to say as your best friend that anything the others typed or did was not my fault 

Lesbian™: AS IF YOU DIDNT JOIN 

Italian Uncle: I WAS FORCED 

Lesbian™: YOURE A FUCKING ADULT 

Italian Uncle: well I didn’t want to be left behind 

SSA Boss: I am going to again regret everything, what happened? 

Lesbian™: uhhhhhh. Now that I think about it. I Dont want to say 

Pretty Boy: we’re in mall jail 

SSA Boss: You’re where? 

Pretty Boy: Mall jail. Apparently it’s illegal to ride the kids train in the mall. 

SSA Boss: I never thought I had to read that sentence with my own eyes. 

Pretty Boy: Well that’s why me and Morgan are In Mall jail. I don’t know why Emily, Rossi, Garcia and JJ are 

Chocolate Thunder: in my defense I wanted to give Reid a childhood he never had and he never got to ride the train so I rode it with him 

SSA Boss: Okay. Rossi and Prentiss? 

Lesbian™: well we’re in a different reason to be in mall jail and it wasn’t as wholesome. 

Italian Uncle: you stole a kids car and rode it around the mall 

Lesbian™: you joined 

Italian Uncle: I didn’t. I was minding my own business saw you driving and asked what are you doing and you said cruising then the mall security came after us and you yelled get in and we rode together fighting against the security with these random nerf guns you took also

Lesbian™: well now that you say it like that it sounds awful 

Italian Uncle: it was 

Lesbian™: YOU LITERALLY SAID IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FUCK YOU BITCHES AND NERFED THEM ALL. YOU YELL 50 POINTS I IN THE HEAD 

Italian Uncle: shhhhhhhh I may or may not have 

Lesbian™: I know you enjoyed it 

Italian Uncle: you right and I feel no regrets   
Lesbian™: ayyy

SSA Boss: Goddammit Dave. JJ? I believed in you.

Mom Friend: sorry. But I really wanted breadsticks. And they claimed it was unlimited. But it wasn’t :(

SSA Boss: How many did you get before they called mall security? 

Mom Friend: well I got like 48 breadsticks before they said “i had enough and I had to leave for disturbing the peace” appanrelty it’s very sad and pathetic to eat only 48 breadsticks by yourself 

Lesbian™: Babe. I am so proud of you. 

Mom Friend: and I didn’t want to leave my breadsticks so I ran to get them but the mall security didn’t appreciate it so I went to mall jail 

SSA Boss: Again. Why. 

Mom Friend: hey I paid and gave my business and I want my free unlimited breadsticks and so I wil get my free unlimited breadsticks

SSA Boss: I. I have no words. Garcia? 

Tech Goddess: I hacked the security footage to make fun of the fact that I could get in. I didnt do anything. besides rick roll all the security footage. I went to mall jail because I was texting Derek and laughing to hard and they found me 

SSA Boss: :D 

Tech Goddess: uhhhh what does that mean 

SSA Boss: Fix :D it :D yourselves :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls save hotch.   
> Am I totally saying Gideon x Rossi was a thing? Yes I am. Literally find someone who looks at you the way young Rossi looked at young Gideon lol 
> 
> Uh the wax paper in the oven is based on personal experience dont recommend lmaooo

**Author's Note:**

> I headcanon that Reid sucks at typing so he’s a slow typer


End file.
